Monty Python
Erbert's Guards Script

(G,g) Guards 1, 2
(E) Erbert
(F) Father

Father: Guards!

Father: Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.
(Father tries to leave)
Guard1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
guard2: -hic-
F: Nono. UNTIL I come and get him.
G: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
F: Nono no. You stay in the room, and make sure HE doesn't leave.
G: And you'll come and get him.
g: -hic-
G: Right.
(F try leave)
G: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.
F: Nono. Leaving the room.
G: Leaving the room, yes.
F: Alright?
G: Right. (g: right)
G: Oh if if if uhhh if if uhh if uhhh if we oh... if oh.
F: Look it's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room Alright? (to Guard 2)
G: Oh I remember, uhh can he leave the room with us.
F: no No nono. You just keep him in here and make sure h...
G: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave, and we went with him...
F: nowait just keep him in here,
G: Until you or anyone else
F: No, not anyone else, just me
G: Just you
g: -hic-
F: Get back.
G: Get back.
F: Right?
G: Right. We'll stay here until you get back;
(F try leave)
F: and, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
G: What?
F: Make sure he doesn't leave.
G: The prince??
F: Yes, make sure he doesn't leave.
G: Oh, yes of course. I thought you meant him! (to other G) You know it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard.
F: Is that clear?
g: -hic-
G: Oh quite clear! No problems.
F: Right.
(all try leave)
F: Where are you going?
G: We're coming with you.
F: Nono. I want you to stay here and make sure HE doesn't leave!
G: Oh I see right.
E: But father!
F: Shut your nose(?) you! And get that suit on.
F: And no singing!
g: -hic-
F: Oh, go get a glass of water.