Monty Python
Witch Scene Script

(V) Sir Vladimir
(King) King is Arthur, King of the Britains!
(W) 'Witch' woman
(P1,P2,P3) Peasants one, two and three

Peasants: We have found a witch! (A witch! a witch!)
Burn her burn her!

Peasant 1: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Vladimir: How do you known she is a witch?
P2: She looks like one!
V: Bring her forward
Woman: I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!
V: ehh... but you are dressed like one.
W: They dressed me up like this!
All: naah no we didn't... no.
W: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
(V lifts up carrot)
V: Well?
P1: Well we did do the nose
V: The nose?
P1: ...And the hat, but she is a witch!
(all: yeah, burn her burn her!)
V: Did you dress her up like this?
P1: No! (no no... no) Yes. (yes yeah) a bit (a bit bit a bit) But she has got a wart!
(P3 points at wart)
V: What makes you think she is a witch?
P2: Well, she turned me into a newt!
V: A newt?!
(P2 pause & look around)
P2: I got better.
P3: Burn her anyway! (burn her burn her burn!)
(king walks in)
V: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
P1: Are there? Well then tell us! (tell us)
V: Tell me... what do you do with witches?
P3: Burn'em! Burn them up! (burn burn burn)
V: What do you burn apart from witches?
P1: More witches! (P2 nudge P1)
P3: Wood!
V: So, why do witches burn?
(long pause)
P2: Cuz they're made of... wood?
V: Gooood.
(crowd congratulates P2)
V: So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?
P1: Build a bridge out of her!
V: Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
P1: Oh yeah...
V: Does wood sink in water?
P1: No
P3: No. It floats!
P1: Let's throw her into the bog! (yeah yeah ya!)
V: What also floats in water?
P1: Bread
P3: Apples
P2: Very small rocks
(V looks annoyed)
P1: Cider
P3: Grape gravy
P1: Cherries
P3: Mud
King: A Duck!
(all look and stare at king)
V: Exactly! So, logically...
P1(thinking): If she ways the same as a duck... she's made of wood!
V: And therefore,
(pause & think)
P3: A witch! (P1: a witch)(P2: a witch)(all: a witch!)
V: We shall use my largest scales.
(V jumps down)
(walk over while cheering)
(push her into scale)
V: Right, remove the stops!
(wait while scales remains still)
All: A witch! burn her burn her!!